The Baby One

An honest reflection of new motherhood in a feminist world …

I’m sitting in the nursery with baby Shiloh in utero, staring at everything that still needs to be organized with less than three weeks until her arrival. Now facing motherhood and stay-at-mom-hood, I’m thinking, “How did I get here?”. Of course I know the obvious answer to that, lol, but the ‘God working out his purposes in my life’ answer remains a bit of a mystery.

Throughout my life the Lord has graciously provided opportunities for me to indulge in my passionate passions like evangelism, music, studying about God/Bible/apologetics, photography, travel, writing, astronomy. I dearly love these things and appreciate when he allows me to do them, but honestly and apart from that list, being a stay-at-home mom was always a cold coal that God has slowly been heating into a glowing ember throughout the years.

I have very particular memories in high school and college of wanting to be a “career woman” and steering away from the useless, boring housewife image I always imagined. Plus, who wants to be sneered down upon by society? Naturally I attribute these attitudes to feminism for its enslaving, “real women can do anything that a man can do, and in fact should take over the man’s role entirely” influence, that has left our modern society with frightening and unpleasant role reversals between men and women. This mantra infiltrated my whole life, even in my very childhood home.

Thankfully, the Lord graciously saved me from that and ultimately the consequences of my sin in high school. Thus began my sanctification unto right thinking (Rom. 12:2) that continues today and the rest of my life. Having lived in the role of career woman for almost 20 years, 10 of those married, but still somewhat independent, I have never been more dependent on God than I am now. While there have been work and life situations that drove me to my knees time and again to feel the growing pains of sanctification, this is a new type of refining fire that has flattened me on another level.

For the first time in my life, I really don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t even know how to be pregnant nine months ago, nevermind dealing with the reality that the closest experiences I have to feeding, clothing and caring for another living thing were through my dolls and pets. I’ve had my first dog for about two years now, and I will say that has helped give me some basic clues in that area. Ok, he’s my fur baby, roll your eyes, I don’t care, ha!

There is one thing I can count on with 100% certainty: that he [God] will be faithful—always has, always will.

But truly, I’m going through these parenting books thinking, “How in the world am I going to survive the birthing process, and then be able to make a decent effort at keeping Shiloh fed and clothed at the very least. How,”? Being the youngest child in my family, never really babysitting, and my church involvement mainly centering around music, media and evangelism, I literally have no experiential frame of reference. This leaves me with zero confidence in my own ability to be a mom. The only thing that perks me up is that as a Christian, this is the best place I can be (2 Cor. 12: 9–10), and where God can really do some deep mining in my sanctification cave.

Yet there is one thing I can count on with 100% certainty: that he will be faithful—always has, always will—and in that my triune God never ceases to amaze me. I’ve seen this work through every part of my life. Even in my heathen days as he prepared to destroy my happy, sinful, selfish pursuits in an ungentlemanly manner. And hey, I even survived nearly nine months of pregnancy that I was otherwise clueless and fearful about until now.

As I presently continue to deal with the challenge and yes (inner) excitement/fear/wonder of Shiloh entering this world, how my life will change, and what my new normal (if there is such a thing with kids) will look like, I get my true sanity and peace by casting my whole self unto him (1 Pet. 5;7; Phil. 4: 6–7). Accepting that God will use this new role for his ultimate purpose in my life: to make me more like Christ unto his glory and my enjoyment of him forever, as the shorter Westminster and Baptist catechisms say via my flowery rendition. God’s way is always better and will always triumph over anything the world/feminism can offer or mock.

While this last paragraph is an unnatural flow from what i just wrote, I’m going to commit this writing sin anyway. I’ve been dying to get this rant out so here goes … My final thought on this subject of baby goes out to all the pro choicers out there: all y’all know, along with liberal scientists, and abortion doctors/nurses alike, that the “clump of cells” in every impregnated womb is in fact a real, live human being. So at least start being honest in discussions of your desire to support the murder of these children. The only sympathy you’ll get from me is Romans 1, “suppressing the truth in unrighteousness”, along with a rendering of the life-giving gospel. Shiloh kicks to that from the womb.